I am a new mum and I have a lots of problems! Don’t we all…I can hear the shout of YES, from here! I wrote the below when he was 10 weeks old, I never hit “Publish” I don’t know why. Actually I lie I do know know why, CONFIDENCE – that it wasn’t right, perfect, worried I had sworn too much, worried what people would say.
Well now I’m 7 months into this life sentence of parenthood (I say with humour…or do I…I do, honestly, most of the time!)
I’m still on a roller coaster of emotions and have realised this week that I haven’t still accepted my new life, I still have demons haunting me from my labour. I have realised that I need to let it go and count my blessings but be gentle and kind to myself.
So enjoy my blog from 5 months ago…..
So I sit here in my kitchen, it 8.50pm, hubby is asleep, baby is asleep , the microwave hums with the nights bottles being sterilised, writing my first blog since the arrival of our little man, 10 weeks ago.
How do I feel right now? I actually have a slight heaviness in my heart and I don’t really know why! I have the slight butterflies not knowing what the night will entail. What has happened in the last 10 weeks?! I mean WTF! Our once selfish life has been turned upside down. Am I enjoying it…parts, oh yes; parts, hell no! I love our son, more everyday, but do I LOVE the whole motherhood milarky, I ain’t so sure! Just being honest!
It has been an emotional roller coaster that has tested my body and mind along with Robs (The Hubby – Mr B) and our relationship to the max.
One minute you feel you have your shit together the next it goes completely tits up. I was once a fairly confident person, now even tackling a newer, higher curb with my buggy makes me feel anxious! One day I can leave the house by 9am, the next day I haven’t even had a shower by 11.30. I succumb to “PJ” day, but by 2pm I am bored and fed up of being inside.
I have realised I am a control freak; a mahoosive control freak. I love to be doing things that are pro-active . For some reason, my mind will not let me think that bringing up a little human is proactive enough. I don’t want to sleep when he sleeps, I want to be getting on with “things” I did once before. Instead I rush around like a looney, whilst he sits in chair for 20 minutes, not finishing one job. I have washing that has taken me 3 days to put away and I still haven’t finished! You may be thinking tough shit…this is being a parent, just enjoy it, go with the flow, it goes so quickly..these little jobs can wait. I’m trying, I really am! I know how blessed I am and I am grateful everyday for our healthy baby boy. But goodness it is sooo different. I hate living in chaos and this is chaos! I’m on edge quite often, questioning every decision..the silent voice..”will this lead to a bad habit to break, accidental parenting, what would Gina Ford say, what would The Baby Whisperer say, what would my friends say, what would that bloke over the road say” , my inner calm has done one most days!
My heavy heart comes from Mr B telling me tonight he is sad that he only gets a short time with him every night and is pretty much met with over tired tears. I tell him about our day of smiles, the gurgle conversations we have after he has had a good nap, seeing friends and what he has now learnt to do… the good stuff, the baby stuff I adore. My heavy heart comes from that I am in the kitchen and he is on the sofa, (probably his bed for the night. Not that I kick him out…he snores like a trooper and starts work early, so gets fed up with me keep telling him to turn over!) I miss our late night cuddles watching crappy TV and knowing we can have a lay in at the weekend
We both have our challenges to face with our new life, we were selfish, which we are not apologetic for. We lived our life how we wanted, on our terms. It has now been turned upside down, although you could say we mourn our old life, we are excited by what our new “normal” is going to be.
Maddox is a joy and when his face lights up with smiles, it is all worth it, at that purest moment, fuck the washing, the over flowing recycling bin, the unwashed hair, the unmade bed. Then the crying makes me change my mind and resort back to WTF has just happened!!!
As new parents there are highs, there are lows. It is OK not to enjoy every moment. We are only human and coming to terms with the massive responsibility of this tiny human, that we have brought into the world. Along with healing of our bodies and minds of the birth, it certainly wasn’t like in the movies!
I am slowly learning to give myself a pat on the back for the stuff I have done well and know that tomorrow is a new day.
If you feel like this you are not alone – be kind to yourself my lovely. You may not feel it, but you are doing fab
(A BBM – just like you x)