The sun is shining Spring has sprung! Whoop whoop, it sure makes me feel so much more content in my little life.
I am now starting to find this whole motherhood milarky a bit easier. Now don’t get me wrong, I still struggle…alot! Some days I absolutely love it, some days I find the whole thing an inconvenience. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’m keeping it real here…I really dislike it sometimes!!! Surely there must be other Mamas out there who feel the same?
Here are 5 thoughts/feelings that I experienced that no one told me about being a new Mum…
#1 You miss your old life ALOT!
There are days when I simply think, what the F*!K has happened to me! I miss those mornings where I had time to leisurely take a shower, wash my hair every few days, dash to the shops taking just a bank card, could sit down and read, could eat when I wanted and slowly. Now everything is on speed, I feel like I’m doing a HITT work out first thing most mornings just to get ready. I mourned my old life a lot at first, I missed being able to be selfish. Now I have had to find a “new” routine that helps me feel like I do still have control of my day….most days. It does get better, but sometimes you do have to take a deep breathe and realise your plans might just go to shit…try and just roll with it.
#2 Your confidence does a runner
I used to be able to go to the shops without even thinking about it, I’m a fairly confident person not an extrovert but quite sure of who I am. When you have a baby you confidence seems to bugger off when you need it the most…you have to think about the logistics of everything, especially when you first go out on your own…Where can I park? Is the bag fully packed? Where are the changing rooms? Where is the exit for a quick escape? What do I do if the queue is long? Can I get the pram up? Can I put the pram down? What do I do with him if I need petrol? How do I tackle that tiny step into the shop? Where should I cross the road?
I was exhausted before I had even gone out the door! When I first went out, my whole “outing” was accurately planned out, just in case he or in fact I had a melt down! Going to Sainsuburys was a MASSIVE Deal. My heart pumped through my chest, I felt people were looking at me the whole time. I hated it when he did cry (which wasn’t even that often)and the sympathetic glances I would get. Now I know it was for encouragement, but at the time I wanted to shout “STOP LOOKING AT ME” I questioned my every action, scared what people would think. But know it does come back…slowly! There are times when I want to shrink away but you do get your confidence back!
#3 You dislike your partner
I always thought having an extra addition to out little family would be the best thing for us…..in actual fact, NEVER have I thought we would breakup so many times in a matter of months as I have ever have in 11 years!! Having a new born is a humongous spanner in the works, I was pretty poorly when we got home, so not only did he have to look after a baby, he had to look after me too.
When I started getting better and could do more, his life went back to normal, mine on the other hand, I felt, had had the biggest change. I started to resent him ALOT! His body hadn’t changed, he could have time to himself, he didn’t have to read up on routines, he carried on working, he still had his identity…mine had bit the dust. He is a very hands on Dad and we work as a team, but we were thrown into a world that we had no idea about.
Hormones raging, its normal to not like your partner that much in the beginning! I can now say 7 months later…we are back to liking each other and having fun… its does return and you do find your new normal! So hang in there and talk about how you feel. Communication is key!
#4 You feel guilty about all kinds of stuff
I didn’t breastfeed for very long. I mentally couldn’t cope with it after a not a great start to motherhood and in the end my milk dried up from not doing it enough….the result Guilt. Hubby bottle feeding him out and about….the result Guilt. Not loving every moment of motherhood…the result Guilt. Not feeling a rush of love every time I looked at little man….Guilt. Having him in car seat for a bit too long…Guilt. Not giving him enough “tummy time”….Guilt. Keeping him in baby grow all day….Guilt. Getting frustrated because he wouldn’t nap….Guilt. God, it goes on and on. But you know what, in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. It can get blown all out of all perspective so much….its almost laughable when you look back. You are doing the best you can do in that moment. You do, what you can, to survive it!
#5 I didn’t bond at all with him…I just felt numb
I expected to feel “the rush of love” when he was handed to me, I actually felt nothing, nada, not a sausage of any emotion. I cry at XFactor for God sake, how could I not be crying at this amazing moment….not only was I numb from the waist down, my brain couldn’t comprehend what had happened. The long ordeal was over, that was all I was thankful for, plus of course he was alive and had all his limbs. I was in shock, scared and exhausted.
We was in hospital for 6 days in total and although I wanted to protect him and I loved watching him and holding him. I don’t remember feeling that “love like no other”, for a while. It came and went. I have had a mixture of emotions during the last 7 months. I have had to heal physically and mentally. I can even remember thinking if he died in the night, I wouldn’t really mind as I didn’t really know him and I could carry on as normal. Shocking to read and hard to admit I had that actual thought, but I did, but I didn’t mean it. I was emotionally numb to everything going on..I was mentally drained.
Now when I look at him I burst with love and if I could inhale him I would. But it took a lot for me to get to this stage personally.
If you any of these resonate with you, please know it does get better. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Talk, write, scream if you have to, be kind and patient with yourself. Do what you need to do, to make YOU feel more able to cope with this life changing event. DON’T do this alone, DON’T feel guilty for your thoughts…that’s exactly just what they are, thoughts. Thoughts can be changed, but in order to change them you need time to heal, space to heal. You can do this, you will do this! I believe in you and know you are doing the best for your little buba!
Please go get help, speak to your health visitor, your GP, anyone you feel that can understand you and not judge you.
I saw a councillor for 6 weeks after the birth for mild Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Post Natal Depression, I spoke to people honestly and still do and always will! If you ask me whether I’m loving mootherhood…I will tell you honestly….. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I just don’t like it that much! If you don’t want an honest answer…don’t ask me!!!
You have got this!
Much love from one Blooming Beautiful Mama to another xx